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Humour 4 |
(If you have something humorous (and printable) that would like to share with us, please send it to hello@scribblingrivalry.com)
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Along came another blonde joke . . . . . .This morning I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a blonde already inside greeted me by saying, "T - G - I - F."
I answered back, "S - H - I - T... Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday!"
A Jewish mother joke
”Hi Mom. Can I leave the
kids with you tonight?”
Little snippettesA little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad gets his hair cut, she stands right next to the barber chair, eating a Hostess snack cake.
. . . . . . . . Then there was the teenage girl who went to the doctor for an examination. The doctor asked her to take her top off and then with his stethoscope ready to listen to her heart, said, “Big Breath.”
“Yeth, and I’m only Thixteen,” came the reply.
A letter from GrandmaHi Honey! The other day I went to my local Christian bookshop and saw one of those "SOUND YOUR HORN IF YOU LOVE JESUS" stickers for the back window of the car. I was feeling particularly elated because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting so I bought one of the stickers and put it in the back window of my car. I was stopped at a red traffic light at a busy crossroads, lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn’t notice the red light had changed. I found out that a lot of people there loved Jesus because while I was sitting there, several drivers started honking their horns, and the guy behind me leaned out of the window and screamed, "For the love of God, go, go, go." What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking and I leaned out of my window and started waving and cheering to all these loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share their love. There must have been a man from Florida because I heard him yelling something about a ‘sunny beach’. I saw another guy waving his hand in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign, or something. Well I have never been to Hawaii so I leaned out of the window and gave him a good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing - even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started to walk towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I went to but just then I noticed the light was green so I waved to all my brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the junction. I noticed I was the only car to get through the junction before the light went red again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave all these lovely people after all the love we had shared so I slowed the car down, opened the window, and gave them the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. I was rewarded by a cacophony of car horns as they accepted my good wishes and reaffirmed their love for Jesus. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Your loving Grandmother
Food for thought?A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast, maybe some grapefruit, coffee?"
He declines. "It's the
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Again he declines.
"The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
He declines. "No,
still not hungry."
Formula for Success
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their
entire pit crew yesterday. This
This was thought to be an excellent, yet
bold move by Ferrari Management.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first practice session, not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the MacLaren Team for four bottles of Stella, a gram of speed and a quick shifty at Coulthard's bird in the shower.
Give me an answer and make it snappy!A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
A policeman got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," said the cop. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver
was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
A college teacher
reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't
The Importance of a Correct Email Address
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to
Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter..
Because both had jobs, they had
A blonde and a brunette joke (That’s different!)
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette,
inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they
are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
ranch they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
They decide to invest their $600 savings in this. Upon leaving to check out
a good prospect, the brunette tells her sister, "Now, when I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll send you a telegram telling you to drive out
after me and haul it home."
Rocket ScienceScientists at Roll Royce aerospace built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
"Defrost the chicken."
Broken down car jokesBroken down car joke 1 A Hindu Indian, an Irishman and a Jewish man were out in the country late in the evening when their car broke down. They decided they would have to find somewhere to stay the night so they walked along the road until they saw a light in a farmhouse,
When they explained their predicament, the farmer said that he had a spare room with twin beds for two of them, and the third could sleep in the barn which was warm and comfortable. They went up to the room and tossed a coin to see who would sleep in the barn. The Jew lost and went out to the barn. A few minutes later there was a knock on the door and here was the Jew who explained that there was a pig in the barn and the pig was a filthy animal in his religion and he couldn't possibly sleep in the barn with a filthy pig there.
The others said they understood and tossed up and the Hindu lost and went out. A few minutes later there was a knock on the door and here was the Hindu who explained that there was a cow in the barn and the cow was a sacred animal in his religion and he couldn't possibly spend the night in a barn with a sacred cow in case he accidentally hurt it in some way.
The Irishman said he understood and went out to the barn. A few minutes later there was a knock on the door and here was the pig and the cow!
Broken down car joke 2 A travelling salesman was driving along a dark road one night when his car broke down. Seeing a light off in the distance, he walked to what turned out to be a little cottage.
He banged on the door and explained his predicament to the old man who answered the door.
The old man said, “That’s no problem. Come in. I can put you up for the night, as long as you don’t mind sharing a bed with my 17 year old son.”
The salesman, about to step inside, stopped himself and said, “Oh, Sorry! I think I must be in the wrong joke!”
Grave undertakingsA man was digging a hole in his garden when his next door neighbour asked,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm burying my hamster."
"Why are you digging such a big hole?"
"It's inside your cat!"
This of course has to recall the famous Monty Python sketch:
“Oh, I’m exhausted. I’ve just spent two hours burying the cat.”
“What? Two hours to bury a cat?”
“Yes. Wouldn’t keep still!”
'Caught' in the act!Recently, a police officer stopped his car near a pub car park, where he could monitor the patrons leaving in their cars. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity (trying his
keys on five vehicles) the man managed to find his car and collapsed into
the driving seat.
He asked the man to get out of his car and administered a Breathalyzer test, but to his amazement there was no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer
said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. There
appears to be a problem with this Breathalyzer equipment."
The Hunt for Iraq’s Weapons of Mass DestructionTony Blair has just announced that he is sending the people that chose Liverpool to be the European City of Culture, out to Iraq. The theory is that if they can find Culture in Liverpool then Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq should be a breeze!
Some Simple Home Remedies...
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't
panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The
blockage will be almost instantly removed.
The case for bad living
A man was walking down the street when he
was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who
asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. “Well,” said the man,
“I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home
for a slap-up meal cooked by my wife.”
The Loving Husband
Several men are in the
locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and one of the
men engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
No question!
Hillary
Clinton went to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she
offered a question time. One little boy put up his hand, and the Senator
asked him what his name was.
Mind the Gap!
Below are genuine announcements made by
tube drivers on the London Underground.
“Please let the passengers off the train
first. Please let the passengers
Recipe for LifeA philosophy professor stood before his class with a number of items in front of him.
When the class began, without saying anything he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was and laughed.
The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health and your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the waste disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then.……..
A student came to the front of the room, took the jar which the other students and the professor had agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining space within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is - no matter how full your life is, there is always room for some BEER!
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