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(For those who already have children past
this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this
age, this is not funny. For those who have
children nearing this age, this is a
warning. For those who have not yet had
children, this is birth control.)
The following came from an anonymous
Mother in Austin, Texas (Those kids born in Texas!)
Things I've learned from my children
(honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds
enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house to a depth of 4 inches.
2. If you spray hair spray on
dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is
louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash
over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy
wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however,
if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft.
room.
5. You should not throw
baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling
fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a
hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even
double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet
flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with
Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a
fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do
it in the movies.
10. Certain pieces of Lego
will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Playdough and microwave
should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O
you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like
Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject peanut
butter and Jell-o sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make
good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make
lots of noise while driving.
18. You probably do not want
to know what that odour is.
19. Always look in the oven
before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in
Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the
washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make
cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their
body weight when dizzy
24. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid!
Top of page
When I "snap", you'll
be the first to go
My voices can beat up your voices
Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself!
No sense in being pessimistic - it wouldn't work anyway
People like you are the reason people like me need medication
Everyone's got one, some people are one
Inside this person is a young person wondering...what the heck happened?
Save the trees, wipe with an owl
Stupidity is not a crime, so you're free to go
I'm sorry. My fault. I forgot you were an idiot.
5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions
Tell me what you think and I will tell you why you are wrong
To save time, let's just assume I know everything
Oh, crap. You're going to try and cheer me up, aren't you?
I live in my own little world, but it's ok...they know me here
I used to care but now I take a pill for that
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems
If people were more interesting I wouldn't be talking to myself
Warning: All stressed out and haven't choked anybody yet
If I got smart with you, how would you know?
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head
that far up my hind end
Let me guess... your parents are cousins
Do you make an effort to be an idiot, or is it a gift?
Does your little mind ever get lonely in your big head?
Top of page
Four retired men are walking down a street
in a small seaside town. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says,
"Oldie’s Bar. ALL DRINKS 10 PENCE!"
They look at each other, and then go in
nervously, unsure whether to believe the sign and looking for a catch. The
old barman says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in.
What can I get you, gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, and
so the men all ask for pints of bitter. Without any more ado, the barman
serves up 4 perfectly pulled pints, and says, "That'll be 10 pence each,
please."
The four men stare at the barman for a
moment then look at each other, unable to believe their good luck. They pay
the 40 pence, finish their drinks, and order another round. Again,
four perfect pints are produced with the barman again saying, "That’ll be
another 40 pence, please."
They pay the 40 pence, but their curiosity
is more than they can stand. They've each had two pints, and so far they've
spent less than a pound. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to
serve drinks at this price?"
The barman replies, "Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Gloucester,
and I always wanted to own a pub. Last year I won £25 million on the
lottery and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10 pence - wine,
spirits, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's terrific." says one of the men. The four of them sipped
at their pints but couldn't help but notice, at the other end of the bar,
another man without a drink, and who didn’t appear to have ordered anything
the whole time they were there.
One of the four men man gestures at the man
at the end of the bar without a drink, leans forward and asks the barman,
"What's with him?"
The barman says, "Oh, he’s from Scotland. He’s waiting for happy
hour!"
Top of page
The following letter
(allegedly?) appeared in an Agony Aunt's column
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and
one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently
being held in the Wellington Remand Centre on charges of sexual misconduct
with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a prostitute who lives in the Bronx
and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is
limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager.
I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team Although
I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the
street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.
All things considered, my main problem is this - I love my fiancée and look
forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally
honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Freemason?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation.
Top of page
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering
students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a
great bike?"
The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded
approvingly, "Good choice! The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."
Comprehending Engineers -
Take Two
To the optimist, the
glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is
twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers -
Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and
an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of
golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't
know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes
the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hey, George. Say, what's with
that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh,
yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight
saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for
free anytime."
The pastor said, "That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And
I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't
these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers -
Take Four
There was an engineer
who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving
his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several
years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible
problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but
to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who
had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the
challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the
day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on one particular component of the
machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was
replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for
$50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized
accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark
$1
Knowing
where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the
engineer retired again in peace.
Comprehending Engineers -
Take Five
What is the difference
between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers
build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers -
Take Six
The graduate with a
Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering
degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting
degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree
asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Comprehending Engineers -
Take Seven
Normal people believe
that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't
broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Comprehending Engineers -
Take Eight
An
engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog
and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with
you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of
his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you
kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING
you want."
Again the engineer took the frog
out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is
the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with
you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an
engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now
that's cool."
Top of page
There were
two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a
widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One
evening at a community supper in the big activity centre, these two were
seated at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his
courage to say, "Will you marry me?"
After
about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I
will."
The meal
ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective
homes. Next morning he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall - not
even a faint memory.
With some trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First,
he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely time they’d had the previous evening. As
he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked
if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was
delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it
with all my heart."
Then she
continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't actually
remember who had asked me!”
Top of page
Due to increasing products
liability litigation, American liquour manufacturers
have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all types of alcohol
containers:
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you
are not.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a giraffe in
heat.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at
four in the morning.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can converse with
someone you are attracted to without spitting.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on
the forehead, knees, and lower back.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened
to your bra and knickers.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING:
The crumsumpten of alkahol
may maak you tink
you can tipe real gude.
Top of page
The Australian sheep farmer has just
finished lunch one Sunday when there is a knock on the door. He goes
to the door and there stands Joey, one of his Aborigine workers. Joey
is holding a new-born baby . . . . a white baby!
“So your wife’s had the little feller
then?” says the farmer.
“Boss,” says Joey, “The baby’s white and
you’re the only white man for hundreds of miles around.”
“That doesn’t mean a thing,” says the
farmer, “Haven’t you heard of a throw-back?”
“No,” says Joey, “What’s that?”
The farmer explains,” Look out at that
field with all the sheep in it. What colour are the sheep?”
“They’re white,” answers Joey, puzzled.
“That’s right,” says the farmer, “but look
over there by that big tree. Do you see the one that’s different?
What colour’s she?”
“Well, she’s black,” say Joey.
“Exactly,” says the farmer, “Now doesn’t
that mean anything to you?”
“Well, I suppose so,” says Joey, “Look,
I’ll do a deal with you. You leave my wife alone and I’ll leave your
sheep alone."
Top of page
Two scaffolders, one English, one Irish,
stop for lunch.
Unwrapping his sandwiches the Englishman
says, "Christ, not again! Egg and cress! If I get egg and cress again
tomorrow I'm throwing myself off the scaffolding."
The Irishman opens his sandwiches and says
"Jesus, tuna again! If I get the same tomorrow I'll join you!"
Next day, both open their sandwiches and
both have the same. Off they jump – splat!
At the funeral the English widow sobs, "If
only he'd said he didn’t want egg and cress I'd have given him something
different!" She wails. . . . . . . . .
"It’s alright for you!" says the Irish
wife, "My husband made his own sandwiches. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .”
Top of page
Two old ladies were
outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when
it started to rain. One of the
ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and
continued smoking.
The first lady said,
“What's that?”
The other lady
replied, “ It’s called a condom. It stops my cigarette getting wet.”
The first lady said,
“That’s marvellous. Where did you get it?”
The other replied, “You can get
them at any chemist.”
The next day, the
first lady zimmer-frames into her local chemist and announces to the
pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously
embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
The lady replies, “Doesn't matter,
son, just as long as it fits a Camel.”
Top of page
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert
have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than
Lay People."
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
The difference between the Pope and your boss, . . . the Pope only expects
you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning - one brilliant flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink
spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large
trash can.
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
My neighbour was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and
found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could
be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said," Will? What
Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the
wrong way
Top of page
Your last name
stays put.
The garage is
all yours.
Wedding plans
take care of themselves.
Chocolate is
just another snack.
You can be
president.
You can wear a
white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics
tell you the truth.
The world is
your urinal.
You never have
to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more
pay.
Wrinkles add
character.
Wedding dress -
$5000; tux rental - $100.
People never
stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional
well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL
the time.
Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff
about tanks.
A five-day
vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all
your own jars.
You can stand to
pee.
You get extra
credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone
forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear
is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on
your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of
shoes are more than enough.
You don't have
to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never
have strap problems in public.
You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have
to shave below your neck.
Your belly
usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and
one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do"
your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom
of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do
Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
Top of page
According to
today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's,
60's, and 70's (and part of the 80's) probably shouldn't have
survived.
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint
which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our
bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our
wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the front passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always
outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one
actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no
personal computers, no Internet chat rooms.
We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no
lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing
again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue – we learned
to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We made up games
with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told
it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff
live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in
packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were
our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a
parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually
sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And if you're one of them - Congratulations!
Please
pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before
lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good!
Top of page
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it,
at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
Youth would be an ideal
state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about
your age. (Lucille Ball)
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap. (Bob Hope)
Top of page
A stunning blonde was travelling alone to
Houston, Texas in the economy cabin of an aircraft. Once the plane had
taken off she noticed that the first class cabin in front was virtually
empty.
Thinking that as an attractive blonde she
could probably get away with anything, she stood up, walked towards the
front of the plane and sat down in a first class seat.
She was just doing up her seat belt when a
cabin attendant came up to her and said, “Sorry, madam, you can’t sit there.
Your ticket is economy and you have to sit at the back.”
“There’s plenty of room. Surely I can
sit here if I want,” came the reply.
“Sorry, but you must move!” said the cabin
attendant.
“Well, I won’t,” said the blonde.
The cabin attendant went to fetch the cabin
supervisor who also tried to get her to move.
The blonde refused to budge.
Eventually the captain was called. He
came out of the cockpit , introduced himself to the blonde and then spoke
quietly to her so that no-one could here what he said.
The blonde undid her seat belt, gathered up
her things and, without another word, walked back to the economy cabin,
resuming the seat she had left earlier.
“Wow!” said the cabin attendant, “What did
you say to her?”
“Oh” said the
pilot, “I just told her that this cabin wasn’t stopping in Houston!”
Top of page
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi
Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do
not
even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the
chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or
against us. There is no middle ground.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the
chicken crossing the road.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having
their motives called into question.
GRANDPA SIMPSON
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
OPRAH
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken
tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a
serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing
the
road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important
documents, and balance your chequebook - and Internet Explorer is an
integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS
THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much
rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
Top of page
Some years ago we had a small cabin
cruiser, which we used at weekends and during vacations. There was
sleeping accommodation for the four of us and at a push and if you knew the
people well enough (as it was very ‘cosy’ on board) we could have a couple
of friends to stay overnight.
There was a vee-shaped double berth
(nautical term for ‘bed’!) in the bow (that’s the pointy bit at the front),
another at the back of the main cabin under the cockpit (that’s the open bit
outside at the stern (back of the boat)); and the little dining table could
be lowered to the same level as the dinette seating to create a third small
double berth.
Whenever friends were staying over we would
organise the sleeping arrangements in terms of who would be in the vee
berth, or the one under the cockpit, or the dining area berth.
To simplify this, I suggested to my wife
one day that we should re-label the sleeping areas to ease identification.
I suggested that the sleeping area at the front be referred to as the ‘A’
bed, the one under the cockpit as the ‘B’ bed, and the one in the dining
area as the ‘D’ bed.
“But where’s the ‘C’ bed?” she asked
innocently.
“Oh, that’s under the boat where it
normally is!”
Top of page
There
is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass:
85% of women think their ass is too big.
10% of women think their ass is too little.
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would
have married
him anyway.
Top of page
Hear about the guy who lost his left arm
and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light
bulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a
concrete wall? "Dam".
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't
work? A stick.
The difference between an oral thermometer
and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef
and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog? Right
where you left him.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can
count & those who can't.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to
a travel agent. (If anyone gets this one can they send me an email,
please?).
On the other hand, you have different
fingers.
Married people don't live longer than
single people. It just seems longer.
Disneyland: A people trap operated by a
mouse.
Light travels faster than sound. This is
why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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PLEASE treat this very seriously!
If you receive any sort of 'work' at all,
whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT
OPEN IT!
The Work virus has been circulating around
our building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even
look at it have found that their social life is deleted and their brain
ceases to function properly. If you do encounter 'work' via email, then to
purge this virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'I've had enough
of this...I'm off down the pub!'
The 'work' should automatically be
forgotten by your brain and your career
will now be successfully destroyed. If you
receive 'work' in hardcopy form, simply pick up the document, drag to your
waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest
bar with two friends and order three pints of beer.
After repeating this action several times,
you will find that 'work' will no
longer be of any relevance to you and that
'Scooby Doo' was the greatest
children's cartoon ever.
Send this message to others in your
mailbox. If you do not have anyone
in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the 'work'
virus has corrupted your life.
Go out and get one!
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