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Humour 2 |
(If you have something humorous (and printable) that would like to share with us, please send it to hello@scribblingrivalry.com)
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Sheep at twice the price!A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Mercedes SL advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Bruni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and said to the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a
yuppie, and then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly agreed.
He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he printed out a 150-page report on the built-in hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turned to the shepherd and said, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
"That is correct. You may take one of
my sheep." said the shepherd.
"OK, why not?" answered the young man.
"That's absolutely correct," said the yuppie, "How on earth did you know?"
"Easy!." answered the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know nothing at all about my business. Now give me back my dog."
Some pearls of Western wisdom from the great Will Rogers!Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow pat on a hot day.
There are two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
When you give a lesson in meanness to an animal or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwing your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading: the few who learn by observation: and the rest who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
A slap on the kisser!In a compartment in a train chugging its way across communist Poland sat four people: a young girl; an old woman; a Russian officer; and a Polish patriot.
The train entered a tunnel. The four travelers sat quietly in the dark for a time when, suddenly, the sound of kissing was heard followed immediately by a resounding slap.
When the train emerged into the daylight again, the Russian officer was rubbing a very obviously slapped cheek.
He thought to himself, “Some luck! That guy over there kisses the girl and she slaps me.”
The young girl thought, “Funny, but if that Russian was going to kiss someone, I wonder why he chose the old lady and not me. I’m not surprised she slapped him hard.”
The old lady thought, “Serves that Russian right! Trying it on with our lovely Polish maidens, he deserves everything he got. Our wonderful Polish men would not do such a thing.”
The Polish patriot smiled as he thought, “Aren’t I a clever Polish patriot? I kiss the back of my hand, belt a Russian officer round the face and no-one says a word!”
The blondes strike back . . . . . . . .Men are like ... Weather . . . . . . Nothing can be done to change them
Men are like ... Blenders . . . . . .You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Government Bonds . .They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara . . . . . .They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps . . . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots . .All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped
Men are like ... Laxatives . . . . They irritate the shit out of you.
your hips.
up all night long.
many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Best newspaper headlines of 2002
1. Crack Found on Governors
Daughter
Not another blonde joke . . . . . . .
A young ventriloquist was touring the
clubs; and one night he was doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With
his dummy on his knee, he started going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. "I've heard enough of
your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in
that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth
as a human being? It's men like you that keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community; and from reaching our full potential
as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of
so-called humour. You make me sick!"
Escapist humour!A prisoner escapes from the prison where he has been incarcerated for 15 years.
"Be strong, honey. I love you too . . . . . . . . "
A fairy tale of our timeI was very happy. My girlfriend and I had been together for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped in every way. Our friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, and that quite a lot, and that was my mother-in-law to be.
She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, and she sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went.
She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said she would go to the bedroom, and that if I felt the same way, to just come and get her.
In great anticipation I sat and watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I sat there for a moment reflecting, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband, my future father-in-law, was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
MORAL OF THE STORY: . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . Always keep your condoms in the car!
Another blonde joke . . . .
A
young husband surprised his beautiful blonde wife with a new mobile phone to
celebrate their first anniversary.
Memorable quotations from sports presenters . . .Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Cunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977-"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
And not forgetting Brian "Johnners" Johnstone – Cricket - "The bowler's holding the batsman's Willey" and - "Botham's got his leg over!"
Memorable quotations from TV presenters . . . . . .A female news anchor who, the day after it was forecast to snow but didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so much! Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs." Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A visit from Satan
A few minutes before the
Sunday service started, the congregation were sitting in their pews
chatting. Suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get out.
LifesaversA man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers.
He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavour, and what colour is it?"
The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . .. . yellow ... lemon . . lime . . .. green . . . orange . . . orange."
Finally, he gave them all a honey-flavoured Lifesaver. The children sucked on them for a while, but couldn't decipher the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"
10 Groans1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" One asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”.
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. . . . . . and finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Extract from the Australian etiquette handbookGENERAL 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them. 3. It's tacky to take an esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.
DINING OUT: 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME: 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family): 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS: 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the roo's in sight. 2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.
More Quotes . . . . . . . .
“Ah, yes, divorce. . . .
. . , from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his
wallet." Robin Williams.
News ReportNews reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.
Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.
TouchéTowards the end of WW2, an American soldier on 3 day leave went to France to visit a girl he had met. He went to catch a train to get to her remote town. The train was very crowded, and so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was right next to a well-dressed, middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please,
ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose
at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class
of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
From Sky News...."Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister Geoff Hoon said in the Commons yesterday.
"He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr," says a British squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.
Another soldier added,
"There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's
more like Portsmouth!"
The Three Little PigsThis is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
The pig approached a man with a cart full
of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?"
'Wow! A talking pig!'"
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