Humour

Topical or what?

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me f*cked!  Who on earth's going to want a one-legged gold-digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could always try Paul McCartney"

Blue Nun?

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. . . . . . . . . . "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."

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He ain’t no chicken! 2

A new faddy diet has just been announced.  It’s the ‘Single Chicken’ diet.  Apparently you will lose 28lb if you eat nothing but one whole cooked chicken over a one month period.  You quarter the chicken and freeze what you can’t eat immediately. There is enough nutrition in one chicken to keep you alive over that time, but nothing else and so weight loss is dramatic.

A spokesman for the company promoting the revolutionary new diet said, “It’s fantastic.  You really can kill two stones with one bird!” 

He ain’t no chicken!

With the current craze for internet and other forms of match-making in full swing, a recently redundant City executive has started a revolutionary new business in poultry dating.

When interviewed, he said, “I know this is a very new and untried business venture, but when I suddenly lost my job, I decided I would do anything I could to try to make hens meet!”

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Weener takes all

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess.  One of them suggests that they play a new game.

"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book . . . and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it’s because I'm a Hillbilly.  Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Bottoms Up!

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about

their bums !  I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their bum's too fat...

10% of women think their bum' s too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man,
and they would have married him anyway!

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Game, set and match!

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad how's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I

think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop

playing for a while and not think about it.  Then, the next time I play, it

seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and

call to me.  I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward

him.  Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the

green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his

voice"

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and

call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his

voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for

money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to

play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION of this fable:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold. . . . . . . . . THE END

New revised BRITISH version:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

So far, so good . . . . . . . . . but. . . . . .

. . . . . . . the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper with
cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a
table laden with food.

The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.  The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got
rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and
grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the
summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to
hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his
newly imposed retroactive taxes, Camden Council confiscates his home.
The ant moves to France, and starts a successful agribusiness company
[funded by the EU, naturally].

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the
ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbott is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £610,000,000.  The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose; the Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social
inequity.  The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders,
praised by the Labour government for enriching Britain's multicultural
diversity, who promptly set up a coke processing operation and terrorize the
community.

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Possession obsession

A securities dealer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Merrill Lynch office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, he grabs his mobile phone and calls the police, who arrive in a couple of minutes.
 
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the dealer starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful midnight blue Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.  "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody City people are," he says, "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."

The dealer looks down in horror.  "F***ING HELL !" he screams. . . . . . . . . . .  "My Rolex!"

My word!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by the adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are this year's {2005} winners:

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

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And God created. . . . . . . .

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.  

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"  

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.  He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. 

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
 

She will bear your children. . . . . . and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. 

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." 

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" 
   

God replied, "An arm and a leg." 

Adam winced because he knew God didn’t play games.

On seeing this, God said, “On the other hand there’s the economy model.  For just one measly rib. . . . . . . . “

Oldies but goodies!

Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and
crusty supreme They sent me Diana Ross.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Sky TV have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.

There once was this Wizard who, every time he cast a new spell, had the feeling that he might have cast the spell before. I guess you could say that he had a vague sense of dejavoodoo!

I said to my friend "Do you want a game of Darts?"  He said "OK then." I said 
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest."

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this
vinegar's got lumps in it." They said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought "he's trying to pull a fast
one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on TV but I'm no Dean Martin."

So I called the phone company and said "I want to report a nuisance caller."
The guy who answered said "Not you again."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Two fish are in a tank.  One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive."

I have a pet lizard. I call him Tiny because he's my newt.

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Happiness is a second-hand email!

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

*  Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on  envelopes  -  because  I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

*  Also,  I  scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.  Because  of  your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know  it  can  remove  toilet  stains,  which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.

*  I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

*  I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

*  I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

*  I  no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

*  I  no  longer  worry  about  my  soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

*  Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward  an  email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

*  I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet  who is about  to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258^th time).

*  I  no longer  have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head  at  5:00  PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because  it  actually  happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

DO IT NOW OR ELSE.

And have a Happy New Year!

MEMOries of the Christmas party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing
along. . . . and don't be surprised if the M/D shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering
is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim 'employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food.  We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruit as dessert
for Diabetics.  The restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know
tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
John

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Sound Asleep

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.  Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Selective reporting

Australian sports journalist and broadcaster, Mike Carlton, wrote in a newspaper last week-end, ”Eddie Jones, in attempting to defend Australia's 7th loss in a row said, ‘If you take the scrum out of the equation (Australia v England, Twickenham) we played well’.

Carlton added, ”That’s like saying ’If you take the assassination out of the equation, President & Mrs Kennedy quite enjoyed the drive from Dallas
to the airport!’"

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Best of British. . . . .

One of the national daily papers is asking for comments about "what it means to be British".

Here is a comment from a chap in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years. . . . . 

“Being British is about driving your German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. “

And the most British thing of all? . . . . . . . . . Suspicion of anything foreign!!!

Cool reception

Two women meet in the afterlife

1^st Woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2^nd Woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?

1^st Woman: I froze to death.

2^nd Woman: How horrible!

1^st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After a while I quit shaking from the cold and began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2^nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1^st Woman: So what happened?

2^nd Woman: I was so sure that there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1^st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we might still be both alive.

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Voices off

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.  He decides to have some fun, and so he says to the Welshman "May I talk to your dog?"

The villager says, "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid person"

The ventriloquist asks, "Hello, dog, how's it going, mate?

The dog replies, "Doin' alright, thank you"

The villager looks shocked!

The ventriloquist asks, pointing at the villager, "Is this chap your owner?"

The dog replies, "Yep"

The ventriloquist asks again, "How does he treat you?"

The dog replies, "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The villager looks stunned

The ventriloquist says, "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

The villager, in shock, replies, "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. . . . . . I think"

The ventriloquist calls, "Hey horse, how's it going?"

The horse replies, "Cool, man."

The villager is totally dumbfounded.

The ventriloquist asks "Is this your owner?", pointing to the villager.

The horse replies, "Yep"

The ventriloquist asks again, "How does he treat you?"

The horse responds, "Pretty good, actually!  Thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

The villager is now in a state of total amazement

The ventriloquist asks, "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

The villager, in a panic, replies, "That sheep's a bloody liar!"

Only here for the beer

At a World Brewing convention held in the States, the CEO's of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the day's conference sessions.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Strylya we make the best bloody beer in the whole world, so be good enough to pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "Here in the States we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all, so gimme a Bud."

Hans, CEO of Becks, steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das bier, verdamt.  Giff me ein Becks, ja das ist der real Koenig of biers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps  forward: "Barman, would you give me a diet coke with ice and lemon, tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement and disbelief written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy looks at all the other CEOs with disdain and replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinking, then neither am I!"

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A strange dream

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist, "I saw my Jewish mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face.

"And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for
morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

English bush-whacked!

Guess who said all these things.

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
 one word is 'to be prepared'.”

"I have made good judgments in the past.  I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.  We have a firm commitment to Europe.  We are a part of Europe."

"Public speaking is very easy."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."


"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.”

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Missing inaction

A bloke's wife goes missing on a skin diving expedition off the Barrier Reef. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened.  Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you: unfortunately some really bad news; but some good news; and some really good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it, both barrels.  What's the bad news?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry, pal, but your wife is dead.  Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.   He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The sarge says, "Well, when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of legal blue swimmers (crabs) in and around her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share."

And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez, thanks," the bloke says, "They're beaut, I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now what's the really good news?"

"Well," the Sarge continues, "me and young Bill here go off duty at around 11 o'clock and we reckon we'll shoot over there and pull her up again."

Spot the dog

A blind man walks into a bar, picks up his dog and starts swinging it round by the tail.

The barman asks him if he can help.

The blind man says, “It’s OK.  I’m just looking for someone.”

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Home Truths

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee. . .

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash. . .

A child's greatest period of growth is the month immediately after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without. . . but either way, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it . . .

True friends stab you in the front.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

The cat’s whiskers?

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.  One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous, dark-skinned, brunette in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.  This is one ferocious lion.  He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history.  Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" 

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.  The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.  About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.  He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.  He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?" 

The old man replies, "No problem, just get the lion out of the way."

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Her number’s up! 

A Chinese couple gets married.  The bride is a virgin, and truth be told, he is not that experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed covers as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My daring," he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan.  You just say.

“Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will
impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She recalls something she’s heard some of her friends discussing and, desperate to please her new husband and wanting to sound worldly, she eventually replies, shyly and unsure, "I wan some . . . . . . . . . . . 69."

Her husband looks pensively and eventually, in a puzzled tone, he queries...... "You want . . .  Beef wif Broccori?"

The Old Firm

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her behind and said, “If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top tights".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

Now this was a bit much to take, and so she rolled over and grabbed him
by his "willy". 

With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the milkman, the postman, and the gardener!”

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Building relationships 

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.
 
One day Willie and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.  The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.  She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.  They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her